fidus amor

“Art must be an expression of love or it is nothing.”
— Marc Chagall​​

style

Designing and curating a spring collection created a new work method. It was refreshing to have a process that felt decisive and disciplined. Utilizing the new Adobe Creative Cloud was a big part of this when I upgraded in February because my Photoshop version would not do what I wanted. I am fluent in Photoshop but have room to grow in learning Illustrator. A specific need for a program to function a certain way is an ideal motivator. The frustration of trying to create patterns using math was not it, and the ease of Pattern Preview was a game changer. 

Most paintings I've done in the past few years have been on a smaller scale because they tend to sell faster. This was my year to move away from creating work from a mindset of How much money will this make? Is it worth my time? When a painting begins that way for me personally, it shows. When I started my studio as a business almost eight years ago, I needed to learn how to make money and soften my interwoven emotions with creating art. The 2023 goal was to create a method to produce quality and meaningful artwork with potential to increase revenue spans + reach through licensing opportunities. 

My sketchbook from a trip to DC was a training exercise for how I wanted to maximize the Visual Journaling retreat in France in 2022. I found some delicious Strathmore watercolor sketchbooks that made me want to keep a consistent style and color palette. I would begin a sketch on-site, like the one of my kids sitting at a table in the Pavilion Cafe in the National Gallery of Art's Sculpture Garden, and take a panoramic photo to fill details in later to maximize the paper’s landscape format. I developed a frequently used color palette with HIMI and MIYA jelly gouache with fluorescent paints. 

inspiration

The biggest inspiration for a limited palette and line quality was researching the work of background animators from Looney Tunes (Warner Brothers) cartoons from the 1950s, like Maurice Noble, Ernie Nordli, Chuck Jones, and Irv Wyner. I found an animation background archive site and went down the rabbit hole. I promise that is not a pun about Bugs Bunny.

art history remix through reference imagery

The Afternoon Meal (La Merienda), oil on canvas, by Luis Meléndez (Spanish, Naples 1716–1780 Madrid), ca. 1772

Hearing and Sight (Pair), Chelsea Porcelain Manufactory (British, 1745–1784, Red Anchor Period, ca. 1753–58), Modeled by Joseph Willems (Flemish, 1716–1766), ca. 1755, Soft-paste porcelain with enamel decoration and gilding

The reference imagery was remixed into a digital collage of the two porcelain figures placed into a setting from The Afternoon Meal, by Luis Meléndez (from the same period). The simplified patterns on the porcelain and flowers were  ideal elements to develop into a surface pattern. The stage was set, and I dialed into painting on the easel. Returning to painting on a larger scale felt so good, with curiosity and inspiration at the helm. This process and method of working united previous techniques and styles that operated like satellites for me. It combined my love for antique malls, decorative arts, painting on a larger scale, line work, and a high-voltage color palette.

During this time, I was not sharing any of this on Instagram, but would with anyone I spoke to in person. Although I felt certain with where I was going with this, it felt like an intrusion to divide my attention by “capturing content”. Maybe it is a resistance to always feeling under surveillance or how authentic this felt, I did not want to record while pretending I wasn’t. Oh, hi, I didn’t see you there! For the first time, I wanted to see a process through fruition and let it develop before sharing what I thought about it in bites. That choice to treat it in this way was something I needed because artists experience a range of sensations during the creative process. Some days, problems arise, and you have to walk away and some flow and feel triumphant. 

production

fidus amor

I titled the painting Fidus Amor, Latin for true love, because I mindfully embraced radical self-acceptance. It is challenging to be an artist because it is an extension of yourself in a physical form subject to criticism. A positive mindset would suggest that an artist’s work is an extension of oneself that can reach other people and be celebrated. Fidus Amor results from a year dedicated to shadow work, slaying the dragons of self-doubt, and feeling firmly planted in this new direction. It is a process like a garden that needs tending, pruning, and consideration for the seasons. 

surface pattern

The first image below is from a lookbook with mock-ups to visualize. More details are to come for how you can purchase products.

When a Midlife Crisis Collides with a Global Pandemic

When time stood still during spring break of 2020, I didn’t know then that I would spend the next year at home with my kids as their virtual school facilitator. It was a constrained choice that I will never regret the privilege of being able to make for their well-being, but it took a toll on my mental health. I don’t know anyone who made it through that period unscathed. 

The real connection we long for is the connection with ourselves; the connection with where we are here and now…When the connection with our own presence is broken everything just starts to feel empty.

—Jeff Foster

The first day of school began remotely in our playroom on August 17, 2020.

The school district kept extending the return to in-person learning and had a feeling it would be for the entire semester. Virtual learning resumed after the holidays on January 5, 2021, with in-person learning scheduled to resume on January 19. 

2021

Winter

The Winter of Discontent

The view from the studio upon my grand return wasn’t too promising, but I remained grateful. It was the coldest winter I could remember in Mississippi.

I turned 40 on February 9, and we had a catastrophic ice storm on Valentine's Day that kept us indoors for five full days. Even though we were used to being at home, the break from having to manage virtual school rekindled the desire to draw and document such a rare event. The Deep South has memorable snow days, but I couldn't recall ever seeing the roads socked out or being stuck indoors for five days.

In a city with an ongoing water crisis, I knew we couldn't escape a thaw without water woes. The district announced a partial return for some schools on March 1, but we remained virtual until one week after Spring Break. 

We took our first post-covid trip to Bentonville, AR, with friends to see the North Forest Lights at Crystal Bridges Museum of American Art, for Spring Break.

I visited Crystal Bridges by myself and experienced a flood of emotions.

Art museums feel like a sanctuary. After an extended period of isolation, it almost felt like my first time walking into The Met as a teen. I recalled memorable museum visits and the past versions of myself. I felt like a failure. My self-worth was tied to productivity as a metric, and if given the chance to start fresh at that moment, I had no clue what I wanted. I knew I wanted change but was unable to articulate why or how.

I knew I was processing a lot of trauma in this moment and reeled over the trauma I overcame after losing my Mom to suicide when I was 21. It was the defining moment that formed me into the artist I am today and placed me on a journey that made me so resilient. I assumed the elasticity would help me through this, but in March of 2021, I felt trapped under a wet blanket. My identity went through some shape-shifting during motherhood, but this felt gargantuan. Was this a midlife crisis? Was it surviving a global pandemic? Both?

Signs of a Midlife Crisis in Women

Depression, reflection on deep questions or preoccupations with existential concerns, sleep problems, weight changes, feeling apathetic, numb, or generally ‘blah’ about things in life, sense of loss, desiring significant change, extreme feelings of overwhelm, emotional volatility, pervasive feelings of unfulfillment or emptiness, nostalgia for the past, feeling trapped in your life…..

Spring

I started filling pages in a watercolor sketchbook daily. Most of it was observing our neighborhood blossom. Painting in my sketchbook was purely to explore and collect inspiration. The past few years were primarily focused on portrait commissions to provide reliable income, and it was rewarding to not struggle financially as a career artist. I realized how much emphasis I put into marketing myself as a creative business owner. It was reassuring to trust my instinct to know that the operating mode no longer served me and that I was starting a new chapter.

Summer

The extended period of isolation made me grateful to return to normal activities with friends. We joined our community pool and felt a sense of ease this summer. It reminded me of my childhood, spending every day at the YMCA pool, and inspired me to create a series of watercolors.

The Summer of 2021 was when I decided to start dreaming about what I wanted to do next.

Recalibrate.

Reconnection

In July, I signed the kids up for a week long art camp in Ocean Springs, MS. We coordinated plans with friends that week and I spent the time while they were in art camp to recharge and rest. I started to feel a desire to reconnect with past versions of myself, to symbolically retrace steps and reach out to say, “You’re going to be okay, and you are going to meet some incredible people who will change your life forever.” To heal.

This is where my journey as an artist began.

I transferred to William Carey College on the Coast a few weeks after my Mom passed. I could see the water every day on my way to class and began to find magic. I graduated with a BFA in 2004 one year before Hurricane Katrina made landfall and changed the entire landscape of this area of the MS Gulf Coast. It is surreal to have memories of a place that profoundly changed me no longer resemble itself.

A few days after we returned home, I registered for a Visual Journaling retreat in the South of France in the summer of 2022. I took a leap of faith and decided to get specific on how I would spend the next year defining my goals and envisioning the best possible outcomes for my career path.

I knew that my path forward as an artist needed careful introspection and consideration.

It meant redefining how I view success, where I dedicate my attention, and adapting to a more mindful approach from a legacy perspective.